Dieting in our tech age - EXPLAINED!

June 8, 2017

What with the new titans of the internet taking over our lives, it’s about time, gals, we knew how to DIET for TECH!

 

Dieting with Amazon:

 

Alexa opens the fridge and locks the front door at the same time while you cry in shame scoffing cheescakes on the carpet. Because you and your emotional eating are being listened on 24/7, someone at the GCSB feels sorry for you and sends a pamphlet for 3 free sessions with a local psychologist to your home address.

 

Dieting with Facebook:

 

Some weirdo in a cold bedroom in Delaware scours all your photos of food, sells them to a nebulous third party, then flashes them back at you, while telling all your friends and enemies that you ate not one, but TWO, WHOLE, CHOCOLATE ECLAIRS!

 

Dieting in the Cloud:

 

You are led to believe that the steak and cheese pies are spread equally and feathery all around you in the atmosphere, but it’s a shock to discover that in a major outage they’re actually all racked, like shoes in a hideous sale at Macy’s, in an underground bunker somewhere in West Denver, where you can’t get ‘em.

 

Dieting in AI:

 

This is where you strap something onto your forehead that makes you look like a dick, but you don’t care, because apparently someone else can eat the meals for you. It’s an illusion. 

 

Dieting in Desktop:

 

This modality is so old and slow and expensive that all your cohorts starved to death years ago. You are either a robot from the past, or very, very skinny.

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